Scene 17
Mayfield Garda Station. Detective Fellatio Interlude, feisty female super-sleuth, is hard at work investigating the rape of one Evan Hennessy. She types on a computer. Enter her partner, Vulgate Milfield.
Vulgate: What's the good word Fellatio?
Fellatio: I'm investigating the Evan Hennessy rape case.
Vulgate: Oh?
Fellatio: Yes, it's quite a conondrum. Even claims it was Alec Baldwin but we need another witness to secure the case.
Vulgate: So, why are you here on the computer?
Fellatio: Are you familiar with facebook?
Vulgate: Yes.
Fellatio: Are you familiar with Queefu Nell?
Vulgate: No.
Fellatio: Queefu Nell is a facebook user who is legendary for the sheer quantity of status update that she produces.
Vulgate: How many status updates could she possibly produce?
Fellatio pulls out a massive hardback tome that she can barely lift.
Fellatio: This is the complete St. James bible, old and new testaments, plus apocrypha and several theological essays...large print edition.
Vulgate: Ok...
Fellatio pulls out an even larger book, the size of a large labrador
Fellatio: This is part 1 of the subject index for her status updates, from 'Aardvarks' to 'Bumblebees'
Vulgate: Ah, I see. Well, what's this got to do with the case?
Fellatio: Well, you know the way enough monkeys on enough typewriters would eventually write King Lear?
Vulgate: Yeah
Fellatio: Well, between the 5th and 18th of July she actually did write King Lear by accident. What I'm hoping is that there is such a massive quantity of information on her status updates that, by the law of averages, some of it will help our case.
Vulgate: Well what are you waiting for? Qwanza? You go girl!!!!!
Writer's note: Holla!
Fellatio searches Evan Hennessy, cross-referencing with Baldwin and assault.
Fellatio: Here we go, her facebook updates from the night of the assault:
5pm: Am sad :(
5.02pm: Am super-thrilled :)
5.03pm: Am nostalgic for the days of yore........
5.05pm: Only joking they sucked! But still, a little bit anxious
5.10pm: Had bowel movement (8 people like this)
Fellatio: Hmm, better scroll down a bit...
7pm: I fucking HATE butter (2 people like this)
7.25pm: Had bowel movement
8pm: The Wire is better than the Shield and most of human civilisation (567 people are aware that this is true)
8.45pm: OMFG. Just saw a nude Alec Baldwin running after a fair-haired man with the physique of a small child or an upright grehound. Lads, what is going on? :)
Fellatio: AHA!
END SCENE
Writer's Notes: Yes, you should have been patient shouldn't you?
Scene 18
Interior. Night. The secret tunnel beneath the pirate hideout. Our three heroes advance towards their goal.
Squire: Sh! Did you hear that?
Fannyweather: No, but the air suddenly went cold.
Salmonella: *Sniff* There is a stench of evil...
Enter Von Knutstrom, the embodiment of darkness
Von Knutstrom: Hi lads, heard ye were rescuing Evan. I thought I could lend a hand.
Squire: You? Von Cuntstorm? Embark on a noble mission for good?
Von Knutstrom: It's pronounced Knutstrom and yes, I'd be delighted to.
Fannyweather: What? You? The same Cuntstorm who bathes in the blood of children because you believe it increases your sexual prowess?
Salmonella: The same Cuntstorm who once threw a puppy into a volcano just for the fun of it?
Von Knutstrom: What? No I didn't.
Squire: Just like you didn't surrender France to the Nazis?
Von Knutstrom: Er, that was several decades before I was born.
Fannyweather: A likely story, just like you didn't colonise the Congo?
Von Knutstrom: That was Belgium!
Salmonella: As considerable as your Satanic powers are, we cannot trust you to join us on our quest in case you commit an atrocity. Return from whence you came, Cuntstorm, destroyer of worlds!
Von Knutstrom: It's pronounced Knutstrom.
Squire: Whatever, get thee behind me Satan!
Von Knutstrom: Well I'll leave ye to it.
Exit Knutstrom
Squire: Now, let us continue on our noble quest with no more of these ludicrous interruptions.
END SCENE
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Honourable Archive
THERE WILL BE A NEW SCENE BY THE END OF THE MONTH!
Until then, the honourable archive:
Until then, the honourable archive:
The Men of Honour aboard the Orient Express
In the east there is murder, mystery and...Men of Honour.
Fresh from the battle of Omdurman the Men of Honour (tm) return to Europe. Boarding the Orient Express, the daring pair hope for a quiet holiday in Constantinople. These hopes are quickly dashed as a passenger, the eccentric aristocrat Lord Devonshire Ali Khalifa St.George the third of Galloway, is murdered. Liam and Michael resolve to unravel the mystery.
At first short of funds for investigative material such as magnifying classes, hammers and Dr.Mandels Patented Clue-Finding Apparatus (tm) their progress is hampered. Luckily it emerges that immediately before his death Lord Devonshire left his entire estate to the Men of Honour (tm). Thanks to this bizarre and unexpected windfall the investigation proceeds at pace. One passenger, Dr.Maguire, makes the ludicrous claim that the Men of Honour were responsible for the death of the ageing aristocrat, before mysteriously hacking himself to pieces while taking a bath. The Men of Honour conclude that it was a suicide, resulting from the intense shame of lying about Men of Honour, which also explained why Dr.Maguire left his entire estate to them in an effort to assuage his guilt. Combining Liam's knowledge of early Soviet history and Michael's civil engineering expertise they discover that the murderer was none other than the Tsar, who disagreed with Lord Devonshire's wild theories on structural durability. Arresting Sister Assumpta, the nun-hitman who carried out the attack, the pair retire on their mysterious fortune, building a small villa on the Bosphorus where they played table-tennis and read the works of Anton Chekov for over a decade.
Fresh from the battle of Omdurman the Men of Honour (tm) return to Europe. Boarding the Orient Express, the daring pair hope for a quiet holiday in Constantinople. These hopes are quickly dashed as a passenger, the eccentric aristocrat Lord Devonshire Ali Khalifa St.George the third of Galloway, is murdered. Liam and Michael resolve to unravel the mystery.
At first short of funds for investigative material such as magnifying classes, hammers and Dr.Mandels Patented Clue-Finding Apparatus (tm) their progress is hampered. Luckily it emerges that immediately before his death Lord Devonshire left his entire estate to the Men of Honour (tm). Thanks to this bizarre and unexpected windfall the investigation proceeds at pace. One passenger, Dr.Maguire, makes the ludicrous claim that the Men of Honour were responsible for the death of the ageing aristocrat, before mysteriously hacking himself to pieces while taking a bath. The Men of Honour conclude that it was a suicide, resulting from the intense shame of lying about Men of Honour, which also explained why Dr.Maguire left his entire estate to them in an effort to assuage his guilt. Combining Liam's knowledge of early Soviet history and Michael's civil engineering expertise they discover that the murderer was none other than the Tsar, who disagreed with Lord Devonshire's wild theories on structural durability. Arresting Sister Assumpta, the nun-hitman who carried out the attack, the pair retire on their mysterious fortune, building a small villa on the Bosphorus where they played table-tennis and read the works of Anton Chekov for over a decade.
Men of Honour Vs. The Man
In a world of corruption. In a world where fine wine and vinaigrettes can buy you freedom, there are still Men of Honour.
It is the late 1960s. Flower Power has ended Canada's reliance on nuclear energy. The armies of the Caliphate have reached Galway and China boogies to the sound of a hip new groove called communism. But in the west, there is trouble brewing. Tired of being kept down by the white man, the oppressed African Americans turn to their only hope: Liam Cullinane and Michael Kelleher, the fragrant, notorious and dashing Men of Honour (tm).
Despite their admittedly pale complexions and ignorance of every culture, especially their own, the Men of Honour too feel a vigorous loathing for the Caucasian Fellow. After being refused membership by the black panthers, the pair found their own radical movement: the 'Green Armadillos'. Spreading hard-as-nails, tough as tarantula justice throughout the southern states, the Men of Honour send shockwaves through the corridors of power, causing over seventy thousand dollars worths of structural damage. The American president, Chairman Mao, attempts to win the pair over to his side with an offering of fine wine, beautiful vinaigrettes and tasty crepes. But the Men of Honour are beyond even such bountiful offers and call him a philistine, the shock of which kills him instantly, paving the way for Brian Wilson's eight-decade reign of terror. The new president, despite his talk of 'good vibrations', decides to take the men of honour out once and for all. Hounded by a fleet of police cars, the men of honour find themselves surrounded at the edge of the grand canyon. Rather than bow down to whitey, the pair throw themselves off the edges, dying in a mangled heap on the canyon floor. They later recover.
It is the late 1960s. Flower Power has ended Canada's reliance on nuclear energy. The armies of the Caliphate have reached Galway and China boogies to the sound of a hip new groove called communism. But in the west, there is trouble brewing. Tired of being kept down by the white man, the oppressed African Americans turn to their only hope: Liam Cullinane and Michael Kelleher, the fragrant, notorious and dashing Men of Honour (tm).
Despite their admittedly pale complexions and ignorance of every culture, especially their own, the Men of Honour too feel a vigorous loathing for the Caucasian Fellow. After being refused membership by the black panthers, the pair found their own radical movement: the 'Green Armadillos'. Spreading hard-as-nails, tough as tarantula justice throughout the southern states, the Men of Honour send shockwaves through the corridors of power, causing over seventy thousand dollars worths of structural damage. The American president, Chairman Mao, attempts to win the pair over to his side with an offering of fine wine, beautiful vinaigrettes and tasty crepes. But the Men of Honour are beyond even such bountiful offers and call him a philistine, the shock of which kills him instantly, paving the way for Brian Wilson's eight-decade reign of terror. The new president, despite his talk of 'good vibrations', decides to take the men of honour out once and for all. Hounded by a fleet of police cars, the men of honour find themselves surrounded at the edge of the grand canyon. Rather than bow down to whitey, the pair throw themselves off the edges, dying in a mangled heap on the canyon floor. They later recover.
Men Of Honour in da Hood. Summary
Film summary:
The late 1980s. America's inner city crack epidemic is at it's height. All over the nation solutions are sought for. All have failed. Until now..
Knowing the one solution to the epidemic lay in the capable hands of Liam Cullinane and Michael Kelleher, the titular Men of Honour (tm) Ronald Reagan sends for the notable duo with one mission. End the drug war. Returning from their crusades in the east, the pair enter Chicage, the most notoriously drug ridden city in the world.
Deciding to bring the crack trade down from the inside, the Men of Honour (tm) infiltrate the drug cartels by establishing covers for themselves as antique/crack dealers. Being incapable of dishonour, the pair soon establish themselves within the upper echolons of the city's drug dealers as to fail, even at drug-dealing, would be an act of gravest dishonour. Finally their efforts pay off and the Men of Honour (tm) discover the identity of the two biggest druglords in the city, who, because of their incredible and unexpected success, are the Men of Honour (tm). Undeterred, Liam and Michael prepare for a valiant showdown with themselves, taking down their own drug-empires and bringing themselves to justice. The film ends on a high note with the Men of Honour observing the desolate ruins of their own houses which they have just blown up. They lament the immorality of drug-dealers, even though they accidentaly became the largest suppliers of crack cocaine in the free world, and set off on their next mission: To restore Alf to the airwaves...
The late 1980s. America's inner city crack epidemic is at it's height. All over the nation solutions are sought for. All have failed. Until now..
Knowing the one solution to the epidemic lay in the capable hands of Liam Cullinane and Michael Kelleher, the titular Men of Honour (tm) Ronald Reagan sends for the notable duo with one mission. End the drug war. Returning from their crusades in the east, the pair enter Chicage, the most notoriously drug ridden city in the world.
Deciding to bring the crack trade down from the inside, the Men of Honour (tm) infiltrate the drug cartels by establishing covers for themselves as antique/crack dealers. Being incapable of dishonour, the pair soon establish themselves within the upper echolons of the city's drug dealers as to fail, even at drug-dealing, would be an act of gravest dishonour. Finally their efforts pay off and the Men of Honour (tm) discover the identity of the two biggest druglords in the city, who, because of their incredible and unexpected success, are the Men of Honour (tm). Undeterred, Liam and Michael prepare for a valiant showdown with themselves, taking down their own drug-empires and bringing themselves to justice. The film ends on a high note with the Men of Honour observing the desolate ruins of their own houses which they have just blown up. They lament the immorality of drug-dealers, even though they accidentaly became the largest suppliers of crack cocaine in the free world, and set off on their next mission: To restore Alf to the airwaves...
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