Friday, February 12, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Scenes 10-12
Scene 10
Exterior. Daytime. An innocent inner city playground. A large number of young children and several teachers are gathered around a truly fearful sight. Enter Backpack, a popular item of luggage, associated mainly with young travellers.
Backpack: I say, what has everyone so entranced?
Teacher: See for yourself.
The crowd parts, revealing drunken scallywags 1 and 2 canoodling in the middle of the circle.
Backpack: Why has nobody stopped those ne'er do wells?
Teacher: They smell awful and have been here for hours. Nobody wants to get too close...
Backpack: I'll handle this...
Backpack walks to the middle of the circle
Backpack: Ahem!
Scallywags 1 and 2 are jolted from their drink-soaked revelry. They stand up, revealing themselves. Both are bollock-naked and have a thick lining of blue fur all over their bodies.
Scallywag 2: Humbo..gru...bleuh?
Scallywag 1: Gurk?
Backpack slaps both of them
Backpack: Do you have any idea where you are?
Scallywags look around at the scarred, tearful eyes of the children.
Scallywag 1: Pub?
Backpack slaps them again, more violently this time. One of Scallywag 1's eyeballs becomes dislodged.
Backpack (angrily): NO! NOT PUB! PLAYGROUND!
Scallywags slowly realise the reality of their situation and blush slightly. Scallywag 2 takes a swig of 'Musket Gunning's Old-Time Country Liquor'.
Backpack: Yes, you understand now?
Scallywags grunt in the affirmative
Backpack: Good! Now off to the Bawdyhouse with you, where you belong.
Exit Scallywags
Backpack turns to leave. Suddenly he sees Evan exiting the brothel from across the road.
Backpack: Oh my...
END SCENE
Scene 11
Interior. Night. Backpack's apartment, where Handbag has been staying since she left Evan the night before. Handbag is looking at a picture of Evan and has been visibly sobbing. Enter Backpack
Backpack: Still upset I see?
Handbag:...
Backpack: You know he was never right for you...There are other guys....and sentient containers..
Handbag: Stop. I know where you're going with this. You're a good friend Backpack, but there's only one man for me. Evan is kind, considerate and can ride me like a Mayo donkey. I shouldn't have left. Me and Evan can get through this together.
Backpack: (Sigh) There's something you should know.....
End Scene
Scene 12
Interior. Night. The annual Daisy of Dungarvan competition. Evan and Squire Moore, a dashing young aristocrat, take their place in the audience.
Evan: Thanks for this Squire but I'm not sure I'm really in the mood...
Squire Moore: Oh nonsense old boy! It'll lift your spirits! By the way, you're welcome to stay at my place as long as you need
Evan: Thanks. Oh, it's starting...
The curtains part, revealing host Pat Kenny. Pat Kenny is dressed in a grey suit and tie. Unknown to the audience, Pat is wearing leather bondage gear underneath...
Pat: Welcome to the Daisy of Dungarvan competition!
Pat's thoughts: Hello minions!
Pat: Tonight we shall have lovely girls from Donegal to Dingle all vying for the judge's vote
Pat's thoughts: Yeah! We gonna have sexy bitches from Tullamore to Imloughmore trynna get in with the Patman! Oh yeah, things are gonna get hot up in here!
Pat, overwhelmed by desire, suddenly grabs his crotch
Evan: Did Pat Kenny just grab his crotch?
Squire Moore: I believe so.
Evan: Should be an interesting evening...
END SCENE
Writer's Notes to Scene 12
Casual observers may make the mistake of thinking that the 'Daisy of Dungarvan' is being used to avoid sparking a law suit with the 'Rose of Tralee' people. This could not be further from the truth. I would consider the whole project a failure if it didn't result in several lawsuits. Rather, the 'Daisy of Dungarvan' competition is an event being launched later this year by myself and a collaborator as a hip-hop alternative to the 'Rose of Tralee'. The film will not likely be released until at least 2012, by which time the 'Daisy of Dungarvan' will have replaced the now irrelevant Rose of Tralee competition. As such I am simply planning ahead. Also, while the idea of Pat Kenny suddenly grabbing his crotch may seem farfetched, the incident is based on an actual encounter between myself and Pat early last year, when, in addition to grabbing his crotch, he also began masturbating. Needless to say, I found the whole thing offensive and left soon afterwards.
Exterior. Daytime. An innocent inner city playground. A large number of young children and several teachers are gathered around a truly fearful sight. Enter Backpack, a popular item of luggage, associated mainly with young travellers.
Backpack: I say, what has everyone so entranced?
Teacher: See for yourself.
The crowd parts, revealing drunken scallywags 1 and 2 canoodling in the middle of the circle.
Backpack: Why has nobody stopped those ne'er do wells?
Teacher: They smell awful and have been here for hours. Nobody wants to get too close...
Backpack: I'll handle this...
Backpack walks to the middle of the circle
Backpack: Ahem!
Scallywags 1 and 2 are jolted from their drink-soaked revelry. They stand up, revealing themselves. Both are bollock-naked and have a thick lining of blue fur all over their bodies.
Scallywag 2: Humbo..gru...bleuh?
Scallywag 1: Gurk?
Backpack slaps both of them
Backpack: Do you have any idea where you are?
Scallywags look around at the scarred, tearful eyes of the children.
Scallywag 1: Pub?
Backpack slaps them again, more violently this time. One of Scallywag 1's eyeballs becomes dislodged.
Backpack (angrily): NO! NOT PUB! PLAYGROUND!
Scallywags slowly realise the reality of their situation and blush slightly. Scallywag 2 takes a swig of 'Musket Gunning's Old-Time Country Liquor'.
Backpack: Yes, you understand now?
Scallywags grunt in the affirmative
Backpack: Good! Now off to the Bawdyhouse with you, where you belong.
Exit Scallywags
Backpack turns to leave. Suddenly he sees Evan exiting the brothel from across the road.
Backpack: Oh my...
END SCENE
Scene 11
Interior. Night. Backpack's apartment, where Handbag has been staying since she left Evan the night before. Handbag is looking at a picture of Evan and has been visibly sobbing. Enter Backpack
Backpack: Still upset I see?
Handbag:...
Backpack: You know he was never right for you...There are other guys....and sentient containers..
Handbag: Stop. I know where you're going with this. You're a good friend Backpack, but there's only one man for me. Evan is kind, considerate and can ride me like a Mayo donkey. I shouldn't have left. Me and Evan can get through this together.
Backpack: (Sigh) There's something you should know.....
End Scene
Scene 12
Interior. Night. The annual Daisy of Dungarvan competition. Evan and Squire Moore, a dashing young aristocrat, take their place in the audience.
Evan: Thanks for this Squire but I'm not sure I'm really in the mood...
Squire Moore: Oh nonsense old boy! It'll lift your spirits! By the way, you're welcome to stay at my place as long as you need
Evan: Thanks. Oh, it's starting...
The curtains part, revealing host Pat Kenny. Pat Kenny is dressed in a grey suit and tie. Unknown to the audience, Pat is wearing leather bondage gear underneath...
Pat: Welcome to the Daisy of Dungarvan competition!
Pat's thoughts: Hello minions!
Pat: Tonight we shall have lovely girls from Donegal to Dingle all vying for the judge's vote
Pat's thoughts: Yeah! We gonna have sexy bitches from Tullamore to Imloughmore trynna get in with the Patman! Oh yeah, things are gonna get hot up in here!
Pat, overwhelmed by desire, suddenly grabs his crotch
Evan: Did Pat Kenny just grab his crotch?
Squire Moore: I believe so.
Evan: Should be an interesting evening...
END SCENE
Writer's Notes to Scene 12
Casual observers may make the mistake of thinking that the 'Daisy of Dungarvan' is being used to avoid sparking a law suit with the 'Rose of Tralee' people. This could not be further from the truth. I would consider the whole project a failure if it didn't result in several lawsuits. Rather, the 'Daisy of Dungarvan' competition is an event being launched later this year by myself and a collaborator as a hip-hop alternative to the 'Rose of Tralee'. The film will not likely be released until at least 2012, by which time the 'Daisy of Dungarvan' will have replaced the now irrelevant Rose of Tralee competition. As such I am simply planning ahead. Also, while the idea of Pat Kenny suddenly grabbing his crotch may seem farfetched, the incident is based on an actual encounter between myself and Pat early last year, when, in addition to grabbing his crotch, he also began masturbating. Needless to say, I found the whole thing offensive and left soon afterwards.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Scenes 8-9
Scene 8
An uncouth brothel. Interior. day. Evan is guilty for placing Jason into orbit. He seeks to drown his sorrow in the bosom of a lady.
Enter Laeticia Jones.
Laeticia: So young Evan you require gratification?
Evan: Yes. Handbag has left me and I have placed a fellow human being into orbit. Sex please!
Laeticia: Here you go.
Laeticia and Evan have various sex. First blowjob, then bum-style.
Cue music: Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin.
Sex happens.
END SCENE
Scene 9
Sex scene. There is lots of sex, including doggy style.
END SCENE
An uncouth brothel. Interior. day. Evan is guilty for placing Jason into orbit. He seeks to drown his sorrow in the bosom of a lady.
Enter Laeticia Jones.
Laeticia: So young Evan you require gratification?
Evan: Yes. Handbag has left me and I have placed a fellow human being into orbit. Sex please!
Laeticia: Here you go.
Laeticia and Evan have various sex. First blowjob, then bum-style.
Cue music: Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin.
Sex happens.
END SCENE
Scene 9
Sex scene. There is lots of sex, including doggy style.
END SCENE
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Scenes 5-7
Scene 5.
Interior. Night-time. Evan's Room. Evan sits in a wicker chair, brooding like a young Winston Churchill. Enter Handbag, a popular female accessory.
Handbag: So. I heard you challenged Jason to fisticuffs.
Evan (angrily): What of it?
Handbag: I heard what he did. It hardly seems worth fighting over...
Evan: He tarnished my honour Handbag! I cannot let this go unanswered.
Handbag: Why not? Is it any different from the time he suggested that Stephen Spielberg do a film about the holocaust and then demanded 80% of the D.V.D royalties for Schindler's List? Or when he phoned the fire brigade over that orphanage blaze and then sued the firefighters for intellectual property theft because he claimed putting out the fire was his idea?
Evan: Damn it Handbag I don't know. I just know I need to do this!
Handbag: I know why...
Evan (Sarcastically, like a middle-aged Winston Churchill) : Oh then please, enlighten me!
Handbag: Ever since Alec Baldwin raped you, you been trying to recover your confidence and masculinity. The fights, the drinking, the sudden unexplained trips to the Isle of Man. You're trying to heal yourself, but I worry that you might die in the process.
Evan rises to his feet and throws a cup at the wall.
Evan: NO! That's faeces! You-You just don't understand me!
Handbag stands up to leave.
Handbag (Calmly, with an air of resignation): No Evan. I guess I don't....I don't think I even know you anymore...
Exit Handbag.
Evan returns to his chair and sulks like a blonde Wiston Churchill.
End Scene
Scene 6
Exterior. Dawn. The hill of muscles.
Evan, Jason and a crowd of onlookers ascend the hill. At the summit, the ring of endeavour where the fight will take place has been prepared. Only one flaw is evident. Two drunken scallywags are canoodling in the ring. They have clearly been there since midnight.
Evan: I say! What's all this then?
Scallywag 1 rolls to one side and looks at the crowd. Dazed, confused and from Castlemartyr, he does not know how to respond. However, he does make a pitiful attempt.
Scallywag 1: Urg...buh..turnip?
Jason: We will have none of your foul turnips my good man. Explain why you have have no callously violated the ring of endeavour!
Scallywag 1: Glurb?
Evan: Oh what cruel threads the gods do spin, that nature should produce two such as you! Leave at once so that fisticuffs may occur!
The drunken scallywags are rolled off the ring of endeavour and placed in a brown paper bag. The trumpet is sounded.
Jason: Ah! Battle begins. Throw them up Evan!
Jason and Evan circle each other menacingly. The tension is such that half the crowd faint. Jason and Evan fight like cats, scratching and biting, and removing each other's fur. After some time it becomes clear that Evan has the upper hand. Jason attempts to surrender, but Evan, like a teenage Winston Churchill, has become overcome by rage and is pushing Jason towards the edge of the cliff. Suddenly, a voice from behind stays his hand.
Enter Handbag
Handbag: Evan! Stop! You've gone too far!
Evan calms down and looks at his bloodied hands, visibly surprised by his own actions.
Jason: Thanks Evan. By the way, you'll pay for the taxi ride home, won't you? It was my idea to get a cab instead of a bus.
Evan suddenly punches Jason with such force that he enters orbit
End Scene
Writers notes: Some astute commentators have pointed out that the characters of Drunken Scallywags 1 and 2 bear more than a passing resemblance to real-life individuals. This is correct. Both are based, to one extent or another, on Indira Gandhi.
Scene 7
Stock footage of meat being processed to the sound of 'Material Girl' by Madonna.
End Scene
Interior. Night-time. Evan's Room. Evan sits in a wicker chair, brooding like a young Winston Churchill. Enter Handbag, a popular female accessory.
Handbag: So. I heard you challenged Jason to fisticuffs.
Evan (angrily): What of it?
Handbag: I heard what he did. It hardly seems worth fighting over...
Evan: He tarnished my honour Handbag! I cannot let this go unanswered.
Handbag: Why not? Is it any different from the time he suggested that Stephen Spielberg do a film about the holocaust and then demanded 80% of the D.V.D royalties for Schindler's List? Or when he phoned the fire brigade over that orphanage blaze and then sued the firefighters for intellectual property theft because he claimed putting out the fire was his idea?
Evan: Damn it Handbag I don't know. I just know I need to do this!
Handbag: I know why...
Evan (Sarcastically, like a middle-aged Winston Churchill) : Oh then please, enlighten me!
Handbag: Ever since Alec Baldwin raped you, you been trying to recover your confidence and masculinity. The fights, the drinking, the sudden unexplained trips to the Isle of Man. You're trying to heal yourself, but I worry that you might die in the process.
Evan rises to his feet and throws a cup at the wall.
Evan: NO! That's faeces! You-You just don't understand me!
Handbag stands up to leave.
Handbag (Calmly, with an air of resignation): No Evan. I guess I don't....I don't think I even know you anymore...
Exit Handbag.
Evan returns to his chair and sulks like a blonde Wiston Churchill.
End Scene
Scene 6
Exterior. Dawn. The hill of muscles.
Evan, Jason and a crowd of onlookers ascend the hill. At the summit, the ring of endeavour where the fight will take place has been prepared. Only one flaw is evident. Two drunken scallywags are canoodling in the ring. They have clearly been there since midnight.
Evan: I say! What's all this then?
Scallywag 1 rolls to one side and looks at the crowd. Dazed, confused and from Castlemartyr, he does not know how to respond. However, he does make a pitiful attempt.
Scallywag 1: Urg...buh..turnip?
Jason: We will have none of your foul turnips my good man. Explain why you have have no callously violated the ring of endeavour!
Scallywag 1: Glurb?
Evan: Oh what cruel threads the gods do spin, that nature should produce two such as you! Leave at once so that fisticuffs may occur!
The drunken scallywags are rolled off the ring of endeavour and placed in a brown paper bag. The trumpet is sounded.
Jason: Ah! Battle begins. Throw them up Evan!
Jason and Evan circle each other menacingly. The tension is such that half the crowd faint. Jason and Evan fight like cats, scratching and biting, and removing each other's fur. After some time it becomes clear that Evan has the upper hand. Jason attempts to surrender, but Evan, like a teenage Winston Churchill, has become overcome by rage and is pushing Jason towards the edge of the cliff. Suddenly, a voice from behind stays his hand.
Enter Handbag
Handbag: Evan! Stop! You've gone too far!
Evan calms down and looks at his bloodied hands, visibly surprised by his own actions.
Jason: Thanks Evan. By the way, you'll pay for the taxi ride home, won't you? It was my idea to get a cab instead of a bus.
Evan suddenly punches Jason with such force that he enters orbit
End Scene
Writers notes: Some astute commentators have pointed out that the characters of Drunken Scallywags 1 and 2 bear more than a passing resemblance to real-life individuals. This is correct. Both are based, to one extent or another, on Indira Gandhi.
Scene 7
Stock footage of meat being processed to the sound of 'Material Girl' by Madonna.
End Scene
Monday, February 1, 2010
Scenes 1-4
THIS’LL NEVER FUCKING MAKE IT PASSED JOHN KELLEHER: THE MOVIE
Scene 1
Exterior. Dusk. Evan flees down a dark alleyway. He is pursued by Alec Baldwin. Alec Baldwin is completely naked except for a substantial number of twigs, berries and wild herbs that he has sellotaped to his person.
Baldwin: Come out, come out Evan! I shall find you!
Evan finds a hiding spot behind some barrels and beings to weep silently, knowing the fate that awaits him
Baldwin: Oh Evan, my fair-haired siren. Reveal yourself! You cannot hide forever!
Baldwin examines some boxes, thinking Evan may be hiding there
Baldwin: Bah! Just a box
Suddenly, Evan shits himself in terror, the noise alerts Baldwin, who throws some barrels out of the way, revealing Evan.
Baldwin: Ha! You are mine!
Cue Music: Enya – Sail Away
Alec Baldwin graphically rapes Evan
END SCENE
Writer’s notes on scene 1: It may be difficult to convince Alec Baldwin to play himself as a psychotic rapist. If this proves impossible then one of the other Baldwin brothers (Billy or Stephen) will have to suffice. Also, while ‘Sail Away’ may seem inappropriate for the rape sequence, it has to be included as it hints at a later plot twist.
Scene 2
Interior. Daytime. Evan and Dr.Miravago are at the Advanced Rectal Repair Clinic of North Munster.
Doctor: Wow Evan. Your recovery is taking longer than we expected. Alec Baldwin really did a number on your arse.
Evan: Yes I know. It is very painful.
Doctor: Well, I would prescribe a lot of rest and relaxation. Where do you like to unwind?
Evan: Oh you know, the wine bar, the haberdashery, the onion supply depot, usual stuff.
Doctor: Yes well, here comes Jason. Perhaps he can help you unwind?
Enter Jason, a man of modest sensibilities and noble bearing
Jason: Hello all.
Doctor: Ah hello Jason. I was just trying to think of a way for Evan to unwind after being sexually assaulted by Alec Baldwin
Jason: Yes, I know. I was walking by the door and heard you say that Evan should unwind. Perhaps we should go to my Gentleman’s Club?
Evan: Yes, a splendid idea. Goodbye doctor.
Doctor: Farewell.
Exit Jason and Evan.
Doctor M returns to his desk and drinks a latté for ten to fifteen minutes. He then stares intently at the camera.
Doctor: I HAVE A PHD IN ADVANCED RECTAL REPAIR!
END SCENE
Writer’s Note: Doctor must have moustache
Scene 3: Interlude
Various clips of Manchester United’s 1994 premiership season to the music of ‘Hungry Like the Wolf’ by Duran Duran.
END SCENE
Scene 4
Interior. Night. The Gentleman’s Club. Jason and Evan take their seats by the roaring fire.
Evan: Ah, back to normal. Now, what shall we have?
Jason: Perhaps some champagne?
Evan: Good idea! The 1973 Chateau Matt Damon?
Jason: Spiffing! Jeeves, the Matt Damon 73 please.
Champagne is brought to the table. Montage of Evan and Jason laughing and frolicking. The clock shows 2am.
Evan: Ah. Excellent shenanigans. Perhaps we should retire.
Jason: Yes. Pay the bill would you?
Evan: What? Shouldn’t we split it?
Jason: Well....it was my idea to come here...
Evan: So?
Jason: So you should pay 7,000 euro for the champagne and truffels we just consumed?
Evan becomes furious and leaps to his feet
Evan: I thought you were a dashing man about town Jason, but you are little better than a cad. Fisticuffs at dawn!
Jason: If you insist....
END SCENE
Scene 1
Exterior. Dusk. Evan flees down a dark alleyway. He is pursued by Alec Baldwin. Alec Baldwin is completely naked except for a substantial number of twigs, berries and wild herbs that he has sellotaped to his person.
Baldwin: Come out, come out Evan! I shall find you!
Evan finds a hiding spot behind some barrels and beings to weep silently, knowing the fate that awaits him
Baldwin: Oh Evan, my fair-haired siren. Reveal yourself! You cannot hide forever!
Baldwin examines some boxes, thinking Evan may be hiding there
Baldwin: Bah! Just a box
Suddenly, Evan shits himself in terror, the noise alerts Baldwin, who throws some barrels out of the way, revealing Evan.
Baldwin: Ha! You are mine!
Cue Music: Enya – Sail Away
Alec Baldwin graphically rapes Evan
END SCENE
Writer’s notes on scene 1: It may be difficult to convince Alec Baldwin to play himself as a psychotic rapist. If this proves impossible then one of the other Baldwin brothers (Billy or Stephen) will have to suffice. Also, while ‘Sail Away’ may seem inappropriate for the rape sequence, it has to be included as it hints at a later plot twist.
Scene 2
Interior. Daytime. Evan and Dr.Miravago are at the Advanced Rectal Repair Clinic of North Munster.
Doctor: Wow Evan. Your recovery is taking longer than we expected. Alec Baldwin really did a number on your arse.
Evan: Yes I know. It is very painful.
Doctor: Well, I would prescribe a lot of rest and relaxation. Where do you like to unwind?
Evan: Oh you know, the wine bar, the haberdashery, the onion supply depot, usual stuff.
Doctor: Yes well, here comes Jason. Perhaps he can help you unwind?
Enter Jason, a man of modest sensibilities and noble bearing
Jason: Hello all.
Doctor: Ah hello Jason. I was just trying to think of a way for Evan to unwind after being sexually assaulted by Alec Baldwin
Jason: Yes, I know. I was walking by the door and heard you say that Evan should unwind. Perhaps we should go to my Gentleman’s Club?
Evan: Yes, a splendid idea. Goodbye doctor.
Doctor: Farewell.
Exit Jason and Evan.
Doctor M returns to his desk and drinks a latté for ten to fifteen minutes. He then stares intently at the camera.
Doctor: I HAVE A PHD IN ADVANCED RECTAL REPAIR!
END SCENE
Writer’s Note: Doctor must have moustache
Scene 3: Interlude
Various clips of Manchester United’s 1994 premiership season to the music of ‘Hungry Like the Wolf’ by Duran Duran.
END SCENE
Scene 4
Interior. Night. The Gentleman’s Club. Jason and Evan take their seats by the roaring fire.
Evan: Ah, back to normal. Now, what shall we have?
Jason: Perhaps some champagne?
Evan: Good idea! The 1973 Chateau Matt Damon?
Jason: Spiffing! Jeeves, the Matt Damon 73 please.
Champagne is brought to the table. Montage of Evan and Jason laughing and frolicking. The clock shows 2am.
Evan: Ah. Excellent shenanigans. Perhaps we should retire.
Jason: Yes. Pay the bill would you?
Evan: What? Shouldn’t we split it?
Jason: Well....it was my idea to come here...
Evan: So?
Jason: So you should pay 7,000 euro for the champagne and truffels we just consumed?
Evan becomes furious and leaps to his feet
Evan: I thought you were a dashing man about town Jason, but you are little better than a cad. Fisticuffs at dawn!
Jason: If you insist....
END SCENE
Intro
From the people thaat brought you 'Arthur Scargill: The Musical' comes: This'll never fucking make it passed John Kelleher: The Movie
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