Scenes 5-7

Scene 5.

Interior. Night-time. Evan's Room. Evan sits in a wicker chair, brooding like a young Winston Churchill. Enter Handbag, a popular female accessory.

Handbag: So. I heard you challenged Jason to fisticuffs.
Evan (angrily): What of it?
Handbag: I heard what he did. It hardly seems worth fighting over...
Evan: He tarnished my honour Handbag! I cannot let this go unanswered.
Handbag: Why not? Is it any different from the time he suggested that Stephen Spielberg do a film about the holocaust and then demanded 80% of the D.V.D royalties for Schindler's List? Or when he phoned the fire brigade over that orphanage blaze and then sued the firefighters for intellectual property theft because he claimed putting out the fire was his idea?
Evan: Damn it Handbag I don't know. I just know I need to do this!
Handbag: I know why...
Evan (Sarcastically, like a middle-aged Winston Churchill) : Oh then please, enlighten me!
Handbag: Ever since Alec Baldwin raped you, you been trying to recover your confidence and masculinity. The fights, the drinking, the sudden unexplained trips to the Isle of Man. You're trying to heal yourself, but I worry that you might die in the process.
Evan rises to his feet and throws a cup at the wall.
Evan: NO! That's faeces! You-You just don't understand me!
Handbag stands up to leave.
Handbag (Calmly, with an air of resignation): No Evan. I guess I don't....I don't think I even know you anymore...
Exit Handbag.
Evan returns to his chair and sulks like a blonde Wiston Churchill.

End Scene

Scene 6

Exterior. Dawn. The hill of muscles.
Evan, Jason and a crowd of onlookers ascend the hill. At the summit, the ring of endeavour where the fight will take place has been prepared. Only one flaw is evident. Two drunken scallywags are canoodling in the ring. They have clearly been there since midnight.

Evan: I say! What's all this then?
Scallywag 1 rolls to one side and looks at the crowd. Dazed, confused and from Castlemartyr, he does not know how to respond. However, he does make a pitiful attempt.
Scallywag 1: Urg...buh..turnip?
Jason: We will have none of your foul turnips my good man. Explain why you have have no callously violated the ring of endeavour!
Scallywag 1: Glurb?
Evan: Oh what cruel threads the gods do spin, that nature should produce two such as you! Leave at once so that fisticuffs may occur!
The drunken scallywags are rolled off the ring of endeavour and placed in a brown paper bag. The trumpet is sounded.
Jason: Ah! Battle begins. Throw them up Evan!
Jason and Evan circle each other menacingly. The tension is such that half the crowd faint. Jason and Evan fight like cats, scratching and biting, and removing each other's fur. After some time it becomes clear that Evan has the upper hand. Jason attempts to surrender, but Evan, like a teenage Winston Churchill, has become overcome by rage and is pushing Jason towards the edge of the cliff. Suddenly, a voice from behind stays his hand.
Enter Handbag
Handbag: Evan! Stop! You've gone too far!
Evan calms down and looks at his bloodied hands, visibly surprised by his own actions.
Jason: Thanks Evan. By the way, you'll pay for the taxi ride home, won't you? It was my idea to get a cab instead of a bus.
Evan suddenly punches Jason with such force that he enters orbit

End Scene

Writers notes: Some astute commentators have pointed out that the characters of Drunken Scallywags 1 and 2 bear more than a passing resemblance to real-life individuals. This is correct. Both are based, to one extent or another, on Indira Gandhi.

Scene 7

Stock footage of meat being processed to the sound of 'Material Girl' by Madonna.

End Scene