Sunday, July 24, 2011

Chris Schafroth Seeks Help

Chris Schafroth, a young man with a big problem, seeks advice from the Vampire Forum

Thread: Really Need Help

Chris Schafroth
03-30-2011, 01:41 AM
Hey everyone,

My name is Chris and for the past few weeks really strange things have been happening to me. I've always preferred the darkness to the daytime and my sleeping patterns reflect this (I sleep from about 6am to 2pm, meaning I'm awake during most of the moonlit hours). I've also always had a pallid skin-tone because of this. I never really thought much of it until last month when my friend Austin cut his elbow. I felt an overwhelming urge to drink the blood from his arm. In addition to this, I've been experiencing really vivid nightmares where I hunt young men through the streets of Zurich. The dream always ends right before I capture them and during it I feel a mixture of thirst and lust. What does this mean? Am I some sort of alpine vampire? If so, do I tell me friends? My annoyingly persistent pal Liam seems suspicous but this may just be paranoia on my part. Any advice would be appreciated.

Chris Schafroth and his persistent pal Liam.
03-30-2011, 02:55 AM
Your issue is not indicative of vampirsm, in and of itself. You may be a vampire. You may be otherkin. You may just be more in tune with nocturnal energies and have tapped into your more primal, predatory urges. You never really know for certain at this point. I'd just wait it out and see if anything else develops. If and when that happens, be sure to let us know and we'll see about helping you out. I'm actually leaning away from vampire right now, seeing as there haven't actually been any actual signs of vampirsm mentioned yet. As for your friends; they don't need to know anything. Besides, you can't tell them what you don't know yourself.

04-14-2011, 12:01 PM 

Good evening Chris.
First off don't panic and do anything because of it. It is a big load to carry, for sure but as Phoenix pointed out, telling your friends of something you don't even know for sure is not a sensible course to follow.

The pale skin is to be expected if you do not expose yourself to sunshine regularly. I have a son who has extremely pale skin but he is not a vampire.

Vivid dreams can be indicative of other things than that which they first appear to be. Dream interpretation is inexact at the best of times, in fact if you ask any two dream interpreters you are likely to get three different answers!

When you dream of this "hunting" do you see yourself from outside your body or are you still inside your body? I am interested in how you see, or relate to your own nature during the dream.

I am with Phoenix on this one, sit tight and see what develops. There are plenty of people here to help if you have any questions or feel you are having problems.
With compliments,

Chris Schafroth
04-15-2011, 01:11 PM
Thanks for the feedback guys,

Hawkmoor: I am most definetely in my body during the dream. If anything I am ultra-aware of everything I am doing and feeling. There have been some developments in that regard. About two nights ago the dream finally reached its conclusion. I managed to pin down the fleeing man and drink his blood. The feeling was.....indescribable, like pleasure and guilt all at once. But mainly relief. Anyway, when I looked at my victim's face, I recognised it as belonging to my friend Tadgh. Ever since that night, I can't talk to this guy because the same feelings I have in my dream (thirst and lust) come rushing up and I have to leave the room or else I dont know what I might end up doing.

Also, is it normal that I find myself drawn to butcher's shops all the time?

04-15-2011, 02:00 PM
Good evening.
I sympathise with your predicament Chris. Strong feelings and urges are sometimes overwhelming and the perception of being unable to address them can lead to frustration and anger ~ be careful about this and rely on your rational thought processes.

I have had dreams of a similar nature but in the end they have been just that, dreams. Dreaming and fantasising is part of the normal human psyche, it is part of the body's response mechanism to outside stimulus. The dream cycles are, in effect, the mind's way of "filing" things away - at least that is how it has been explained to me by a friend (a psychologist)

I would personally avoid attaching too much importance to the dreams but rather concentrate on the waking sensations and stimuli that trigger certain thought processes within you.

As Phoenix said, it doesn't necessarily mean you are, or are not, a modern vampire. My advice, exhaust the simple explanations before you go looking too deeply at the complex ones. Do some research on dreaming and dream interpretations before you decide what's what.

BTW, I like butcher shops too... especially the ones that do the thick pork sausages and I don't mind the smells of the place either. It could be something, or nothing. Difficult to say for certain.

With compliments,

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Scene 21 and Scene 22 - The Return of the King

Scene 21

Int. Night. A small, dimly lit room on the top floor of the pirate hideout. Evan Hennessy, our glorious hero, wakes up to find himself strapped to a chair with a bright light shining in his eyes. Squinting, he can tell that there are two pirate-guards guarding the door. To his left is Captain Hodgers, leader of the urban pirates. Captain Hodgers is wearing a ballroom gown, pirate hat and leather boots. On his shoulder is perched a chicken, who has been clumsily painted to look like an unconvincing parrot.
[Writer's note: This is a cost-saving device due to the large amounts of money needed for special effects in Scene 22. Chickens are cheaper than parrots and can be eaten afterwards]
There is another figure in the shadows who Evan (who thinks he's the big man but, as a matter of fact, isn't) cannot make out.

Captain Hodgers: Yarrg! Methinks the prisoner be awake!
Evan: What's going on Captain? Why have you kidnapped me? This isn't your usual modus operandi.
Captain Hodgers: Yarrrrd! I have no interest in you Evan! My only interests are plunder, wenches, booty and backgammon. No young Evan, I'm just the middleman. Yarrrrrrj! My crew was hired to raid that ballroom and to bring you back here.
Evan: Hired? By who?
Mysterious, husky voice: Oh I think you know that one Evan.
Evan: No....No....It can't be.....Please....

The other man steps forth from the shadows. It is Alec Balwin. He is naked except for old issues of the New Yorker and the Beano which he has stapled all over his body. That they were recently stapled is attested to by the amount of blood that is smeared across their pages. As this is a formal occasion, he has also covered his nipples, genitals and ears in glitter. He rubs his willy as he advances towards Evan, who has wet himself in terror.

Baldwin: So Evan, we meet again.
Evan: Please, not again....WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?
Baldwin: Do you ever have fantasies Evan?
Evan: No...
Baldwin: I have many. One in particular. Ever since I was a young Baldwin, frolicking freely in the shadows of Mt.Baldwin, I have wanted to make love to a smurf. Several years ago, while filming Glengarry Glen Ross, I was told, to my horror, that smurfs aren't real. I thought that dream was over...until today.
Evan: But I'm not a smurf damnit. I'm a man!
Baldwin: Things can change Evan. Often in the blink of an eye. Captain Hodgers!
Captain: Yark?
Baldwin: Have the boy stripped naked and covered in blue paint. When you are finished, bring him to my room.
Captain: Aye aye sir!
Evan: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

End Scene

Scene 22

Int. Night. The tunnel beneath the pirate hideout. Squire Moore, Lord Fannyweather and Salmonella O'Sullivan ready their weapons as they prepare to storm the place.

Squire: Right, now that the flashback has concluded we can launch our assault on the pirate hideout. We've been here for hours now and there can be no more putting it off. Frankly I'm surprised that we ran into Dorian Mammeri and Von Knutstrom in a secret tunnel connecting a nightclub to a pirate fortress. It seems highly unlikely that this would occur here, rather than say a pub or a public square. Nevertheless, time is of the essence and we must proceed onwards to victory!

Squire, Salmonella and Fannyweather grab a pair of Uzis, a crossbow and a shotgun respectively and climb the ladder to the pirate hideout. They emerge in the recreation area of the hideout, where thirty or so urban pirates are kicking back, playing cards and drinking Musket Gunning's Old Fashioned Country Liquor. Battle commences. With the initial advantage of surprise, our heroes managed to kill or wound a significant minority of the pirates. However, they quickly find themselves outnumbered. Salmonella is hit by a stray arrow and explodes. Squire is struck by a cannonball in one of his testicles. However, as he has seventy testicles, he merely regards this as a flesh wound. Under heavy fire from superior numbers, Squire and Fannyweather are forced to take shelter behind a couch as they become pinned down under heavy fire.

Fannyweather: Damnit Squire! It's hopeless.
Squire: Not quite my good chum. What we need are reinforcements.
Fannyweather: But we don't have any.
Squire: The Lichtenstein Armed Forces Rapid Response Unit could be here in ten minutes.
Fannyweather: You know that's no good to us! I renounced my throne in order to marry Herself, a mere fishmonger's daughter of few prospects and ill repute.
Squire: If we're going to survive you need to dump her and call your father in order to regain your vacant throne.
Fannyweather: Never!
Squire: Go on like.
Fannyweather: Alright. It's probably for the best. She doesn't even like Fleetwood Mac.
Fannyweather takes out his mobile phone as Squire holds off the pirates with a constant stream of gunfire.
Fannyweather: Hello? Herself? Cod we talk for a minute? I don't think we should sea each other anymore. It's been great and all but this relationship has been flounder-ing for a long time. I can't kelp to make things right again though I have tried. Though it pains my very sole to say it, this relationship is over. W- eel still be friends ok? I know. I know. Take comfort from this: There are plenty more fish in the sea. Y'dig.
Fannyweather quickly dials another number as Squire comes under pressure trying to hold off the pirate advance.
Fannyweather: Hello? Yeah, she's gone. Could I be king again? Great. Could you send a squadron of soldiers to this location. Thanks. You're a star.
Squire: Is it done?
Fannyweather: Yes. I can feel it in my bones. The QUICKENING!
Lord Fannyweather is enveloped in a dazzling blue light, which momentarily blinds the urban pirates. When the light fades, he is wearing golden armour and the jewel encrusted crown of the heir apparent of Lichtenstein.
Squire Moore receives a message on his pokedex.
Pokedex: Congratulations. Your Lord Fannyweather has evolved into a Prince Fannyweather.
Squire Moore bends his knee.
Squire: My liege!
Fannyweather: No time for formalities young Squire. The Lichtenstein army will be here in a moment. The tide's about to turn. What do you say we kick some ass?
Squire: A magnificent plan!
Cue music: Queen - Princes of the Universe
[Writer's note: I have included a youtube link below. Play it while you're reading the rest of the scene]

Squire: For Lichtenstein Fannyweather?
Fannyweather: No Squire. For me.
Squire and Fannyweather leap from behind the couch, guns blazing. Despite overwhelming odds, they kick some rump indeed. Squire dives through the air dual-wielding Uzis like your man in that film, taking out half a dozen pirates. Fannyweather grabs onto the rafters and launches himself into a group of pirates, knocking them to the floor and spins round with his shotgun at the ready. Two pirates aim a cannon at him but they feel the wrath of his shotgun, like many a crow has before. Squire grabs one of the pirates and uses him as a human shield while he sprays lead across the room. Despite performing well in this competently written action sequence, our heroes are outnumbered and are backed up against a wall.
Squire: Your men better get here soon or we're dead as Nicholas Cage's career. Or we're as dead as Nicholas Cage's sense of self worth. Or we're as dead as Nicholas Cage's self-respect. Or we're as dead as Nicholas Cage's sex life. Or we're as dead as Nicholas Cage's marriage. Or we're as dead as Nicholas Cage's pride in his son. Or we're as dead as Nicholas Cage's libido. Or we're as dead as the glimmer of hope that once existed in the eyes of one Nicholas Cage.
Fannyweather: The men of Lichtenstein are noted for their punctuality Squire. They are a noble race of men. Look!
Suddenly the windows explode in an explosion of glass as the brave men of Lichtenstein burst in and surround the pirates. The dread fleet realise they have lost and surrender.
Squire Moore: Victory is ours!

End Scene

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Scene 20 - The Bet

Scene 20

Int. Night. The tunnel beneath the pirate hideout.

Squire Moore: Ah yes, that interruption has been dealt with. Now, finally, the narrative can continue.
Lord Fannyweather: Oh no. The screen's going blurry. I think you're having a flashback.
Squire: Oh fiddlesticks. This shit is whack yo.

The Screen goes blurry. Cut to New York circa 1946. Interior. Night. Corporal Squire Moore, Liutenant Dorian Mammeri and Scrotum Private (-32nd Class) Miguel Sanchez, three young and dashing G.Is, are returning from the war and are on the prowl in a swanky Manhattan nightclub. As they have had no sex for two years due to imprisonment in a German P.O.W camp (operated by the noted Nazi war criminal Von Knutstrom) their balls are swollen with repressed lust.

Squire Moore: My balls sure are swollen with repressed lust.
Miguel Sanchez: Too right buddy. I ain't had no sex since I ain't known no what now not ever 1941 dang Germans.
Dorian: Damn skippy buddy. What's the rhumpus here?
Squire: Get on the trolley Dorian. We're looking for a few Dames to take surfing up the river Intercourse.
Dorian: What say we make this a little . . . interesting?
Miguel: Spill the beans daddio.
Dorian: Hopefully I will, later on tonight (note: innuendo) but how bout a little bet?
Squire: What's the rhumpus Dorian?
Dorian: The first one of us drugstore cowboys to get a dame back to our place wins 20 dollars.
Miguel: Now you're on the trolley! I'm down with that.
Squire: Dorian, you pagan Saracen. I wouldn't do anything so churlish.

A passing gentleman with a fashionable goatee interrupts

Gentleman: I'm willing to put some moolah on the young Squire here. Despite his resemblance to the Canadian mountain vole or, indeed, the more common Southern Desert vole, and his off-putting furtive behaviour, I can see that he has a certain charm.

The gentleman places his money on the table and vanishes into the night.

Dorian: Excellent. Let's see. It's 8 o'clock now. I reckon this should take less than an hour.

Three weeks later. The bet is still standing, Miguel Sanchez resorts to cheating by spiking his opponent's hooch with the drug 'Fannycol', turning them into fannies. Once again they return to the same joint and order some giggle water. Dorian spies a saucy little hoochy mama.

Dorian: Woah fellas. Check out the gams on that broad!
Squire: Is she french?
Dorian: Er, does it matter?
Squire grabs Dorian roughly by his swollen balls
Squire: Of course it fucking matters! I can only fuck women who are French or from a former French colony as a result of a gyspsy curse placed on me many years ago!
Dorian: Oh yes I forgot. I think she's French canadian. Does that count?
Squire: It fucking better. I'll let you have first go though.
Dorian: Okay....Here I go...Walking over any minute now....On my way
Dorian remains exactly where he is.
Miguel: What are you doing guys? You can't just go up to a broad and start flapping your gums. That's illegal. She has to be wearing blue socks and standing next to the bar at a 93 degree angle.
Dorian: Horsepoop. I'm going over.
Dorian: Why?
Squire: I'll feel bad for not going over if you do.
Dorian: Bullshit infidel. I'm gonna...Wait, where's she gone?
The broad has turned into a butterfly and escaped through an open window.
Dorian: Bugger. My swollen balls are not impressed. Where's Miguel gone?
Miguel has an amateurish approximation of sex with a young lady wearing blue socks and standing at a 93 degree angle to the bar.
Squire: Oh god damn it.
Dorian's balls explode with frustration.

Cut back to the pirate tunnel in the present day.

Squire: And that's why I have never since passed up an opportunity for sex no matter how inconvenient or ill-advised.

Writer's note: The character of 'Passing Gentleman' should be played by either Michael Fassbender or Johnny Depp for the purposes of realism.

Monday, May 2, 2011

From the Pen of Sir Anthony Hopkins to the Desk of Ms. Sinéad Gunning.

Dear Ms. Gunning,

How are you? I hope you are well. I am the actor Sir Anthony Hopkins. You may remember me from such films as 'The Silence of the Lambs', 'The Remains of the Day', 'Amistad' and 'Fracture.' Perhaps you are also familiar with my directing work or even 'Distant Star', my moderately successful pop single from the late 1980s.

I was told, Ms.Gunning, that you were interested in an acting career. It just so happens that I am currently working on a small, independent film called 'Last Call for Alcohol at Dead Man's Ridge.' You may be familiar with the novel from which it is adapted. If not I shall give you a brief overview.

In the film I, Sir Anthony Hopkins, play Sheriff Eli Tabernackle, a tough Welsh lawman trying to keep order in the town of Dead Man's Ridge, New Mexico. The role I had in mind for you was that of Penelope Leotard, a local prostitute with a heart of gold who befriends Eli before the two of them become lovers. Before you ask, yes, the film will require you do some nude scenes. Yes, some of them will involve you being nude next to the leathery, aged, naked body of me, Sir Anthony Hopkins. Don't worry, it's all above board. You can trust me. After all, I'm Sir Anthony Hopkins.

I shall give you some time to mull it over and will eagerly await your reply.

Yours sincerely,
Sir Anthony Hopkins.

P.S. I am wanking as I write this.