Monday, May 2, 2011

From the Pen of Sir Anthony Hopkins to the Desk of Ms. Sinéad Gunning.

Dear Ms. Gunning,

How are you? I hope you are well. I am the actor Sir Anthony Hopkins. You may remember me from such films as 'The Silence of the Lambs', 'The Remains of the Day', 'Amistad' and 'Fracture.' Perhaps you are also familiar with my directing work or even 'Distant Star', my moderately successful pop single from the late 1980s.

I was told, Ms.Gunning, that you were interested in an acting career. It just so happens that I am currently working on a small, independent film called 'Last Call for Alcohol at Dead Man's Ridge.' You may be familiar with the novel from which it is adapted. If not I shall give you a brief overview.

In the film I, Sir Anthony Hopkins, play Sheriff Eli Tabernackle, a tough Welsh lawman trying to keep order in the town of Dead Man's Ridge, New Mexico. The role I had in mind for you was that of Penelope Leotard, a local prostitute with a heart of gold who befriends Eli before the two of them become lovers. Before you ask, yes, the film will require you do some nude scenes. Yes, some of them will involve you being nude next to the leathery, aged, naked body of me, Sir Anthony Hopkins. Don't worry, it's all above board. You can trust me. After all, I'm Sir Anthony Hopkins.

I shall give you some time to mull it over and will eagerly await your reply.

Yours sincerely,
Sir Anthony Hopkins.

P.S. I am wanking as I write this.

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