Scene 21
Int. Night. A small, dimly lit room on the top floor of the pirate hideout. Evan Hennessy, our glorious hero, wakes up to find himself strapped to a chair with a bright light shining in his eyes. Squinting, he can tell that there are two pirate-guards guarding the door. To his left is Captain Hodgers, leader of the urban pirates. Captain Hodgers is wearing a ballroom gown, pirate hat and leather boots. On his shoulder is perched a chicken, who has been clumsily painted to look like an unconvincing parrot.
[Writer's note: This is a cost-saving device due to the large amounts of money needed for special effects in Scene 22. Chickens are cheaper than parrots and can be eaten afterwards]
There is another figure in the shadows who Evan (who thinks he's the big man but, as a matter of fact, isn't) cannot make out.
Captain Hodgers: Yarrg! Methinks the prisoner be awake!
Evan: What's going on Captain? Why have you kidnapped me? This isn't your usual modus operandi.
Captain Hodgers: Yarrrrd! I have no interest in you Evan! My only interests are plunder, wenches, booty and backgammon. No young Evan, I'm just the middleman. Yarrrrrrj! My crew was hired to raid that ballroom and to bring you back here.
Evan: Hired? By who?
Mysterious, husky voice: Oh I think you know that one Evan.
Evan: No....No....It can't be.....Please....
The other man steps forth from the shadows. It is Alec Balwin. He is naked except for old issues of the New Yorker and the Beano which he has stapled all over his body. That they were recently stapled is attested to by the amount of blood that is smeared across their pages. As this is a formal occasion, he has also covered his nipples, genitals and ears in glitter. He rubs his willy as he advances towards Evan, who has wet himself in terror.
Baldwin: So Evan, we meet again.
Evan: Please, not again....WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?
Baldwin: Do you ever have fantasies Evan?
Evan: No...
Baldwin: I have many. One in particular. Ever since I was a young Baldwin, frolicking freely in the shadows of Mt.Baldwin, I have wanted to make love to a smurf. Several years ago, while filming Glengarry Glen Ross, I was told, to my horror, that smurfs aren't real. I thought that dream was over...until today.
Evan: But I'm not a smurf damnit. I'm a man!
Baldwin: Things can change Evan. Often in the blink of an eye. Captain Hodgers!
Captain: Yark?
Baldwin: Have the boy stripped naked and covered in blue paint. When you are finished, bring him to my room.
Captain: Aye aye sir!
Evan: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
End Scene
Scene 22
Int. Night. The tunnel beneath the pirate hideout. Squire Moore, Lord Fannyweather and Salmonella O'Sullivan ready their weapons as they prepare to storm the place.
Squire: Right, now that the flashback has concluded we can launch our assault on the pirate hideout. We've been here for hours now and there can be no more putting it off. Frankly I'm surprised that we ran into Dorian Mammeri and Von Knutstrom in a secret tunnel connecting a nightclub to a pirate fortress. It seems highly unlikely that this would occur here, rather than say a pub or a public square. Nevertheless, time is of the essence and we must proceed onwards to victory!
Squire, Salmonella and Fannyweather grab a pair of Uzis, a crossbow and a shotgun respectively and climb the ladder to the pirate hideout. They emerge in the recreation area of the hideout, where thirty or so urban pirates are kicking back, playing cards and drinking Musket Gunning's Old Fashioned Country Liquor. Battle commences. With the initial advantage of surprise, our heroes managed to kill or wound a significant minority of the pirates. However, they quickly find themselves outnumbered. Salmonella is hit by a stray arrow and explodes. Squire is struck by a cannonball in one of his testicles. However, as he has seventy testicles, he merely regards this as a flesh wound. Under heavy fire from superior numbers, Squire and Fannyweather are forced to take shelter behind a couch as they become pinned down under heavy fire.
Fannyweather: Damnit Squire! It's hopeless.
Squire: Not quite my good chum. What we need are reinforcements.
Fannyweather: But we don't have any.
Squire: The Lichtenstein Armed Forces Rapid Response Unit could be here in ten minutes.
Fannyweather: You know that's no good to us! I renounced my throne in order to marry Herself, a mere fishmonger's daughter of few prospects and ill repute.
Squire: If we're going to survive you need to dump her and call your father in order to regain your vacant throne.
Fannyweather: Never!
Squire: Go on like.
Fannyweather: Alright. It's probably for the best. She doesn't even like Fleetwood Mac.
Fannyweather takes out his mobile phone as Squire holds off the pirates with a constant stream of gunfire.
Fannyweather: Hello? Herself? Cod we talk for a minute? I don't think we should sea each other anymore. It's been great and all but this relationship has been flounder-ing for a long time. I can't kelp to make things right again though I have tried. Though it pains my very sole to say it, this relationship is over. W- eel still be friends ok? I know. I know. Take comfort from this: There are plenty more fish in the sea. Y'dig.
Fannyweather quickly dials another number as Squire comes under pressure trying to hold off the pirate advance.
Fannyweather: Hello? Yeah, she's gone. Could I be king again? Great. Could you send a squadron of soldiers to this location. Thanks. You're a star.
Squire: Is it done?
Fannyweather: Yes. I can feel it in my bones. The QUICKENING!
Lord Fannyweather is enveloped in a dazzling blue light, which momentarily blinds the urban pirates. When the light fades, he is wearing golden armour and the jewel encrusted crown of the heir apparent of Lichtenstein.
Squire Moore receives a message on his pokedex.
Pokedex: Congratulations. Your Lord Fannyweather has evolved into a Prince Fannyweather.
Squire Moore bends his knee.
Squire: My liege!
Fannyweather: No time for formalities young Squire. The Lichtenstein army will be here in a moment. The tide's about to turn. What do you say we kick some ass?
Squire: A magnificent plan!
Cue music: Queen - Princes of the Universe
[Writer's note: I have included a youtube link below. Play it while you're reading the rest of the scene]
Squire: For Lichtenstein Fannyweather?
Fannyweather: No Squire. For me.
Squire and Fannyweather leap from behind the couch, guns blazing. Despite overwhelming odds, they kick some rump indeed. Squire dives through the air dual-wielding Uzis like your man in that film, taking out half a dozen pirates. Fannyweather grabs onto the rafters and launches himself into a group of pirates, knocking them to the floor and spins round with his shotgun at the ready. Two pirates aim a cannon at him but they feel the wrath of his shotgun, like many a crow has before. Squire grabs one of the pirates and uses him as a human shield while he sprays lead across the room. Despite performing well in this competently written action sequence, our heroes are outnumbered and are backed up against a wall.
Squire: Your men better get here soon or we're dead as Nicholas Cage's career. Or we're as dead as Nicholas Cage's sense of self worth. Or we're as dead as Nicholas Cage's self-respect. Or we're as dead as Nicholas Cage's sex life. Or we're as dead as Nicholas Cage's marriage. Or we're as dead as Nicholas Cage's pride in his son. Or we're as dead as Nicholas Cage's libido. Or we're as dead as the glimmer of hope that once existed in the eyes of one Nicholas Cage.
Fannyweather: The men of Lichtenstein are noted for their punctuality Squire. They are a noble race of men. Look!
Suddenly the windows explode in an explosion of glass as the brave men of Lichtenstein burst in and surround the pirates. The dread fleet realise they have lost and surrender.
Squire Moore: Victory is ours!
End Scene
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