THIS’LL NEVER FUCKING MAKE IT PASSED JOHN KELLEHER: THE MOVIE
Scene 1
Exterior. Dusk. Evan flees down a dark alleyway. He is pursued by Alec Baldwin. Alec Baldwin is completely naked except for a substantial number of twigs, berries and wild herbs that he has sellotaped to his person.
Baldwin: Come out, come out Evan! I shall find you!
Evan finds a hiding spot behind some barrels and beings to weep silently, knowing the fate that awaits him
Baldwin: Oh Evan, my fair-haired siren. Reveal yourself! You cannot hide forever!
Baldwin examines some boxes, thinking Evan may be hiding there
Baldwin: Bah! Just a box
Suddenly, Evan shits himself in terror, the noise alerts Baldwin, who throws some barrels out of the way, revealing Evan.
Baldwin: Ha! You are mine!
Cue Music: Enya – Sail Away
Alec Baldwin graphically rapes Evan
END SCENE
Writer’s notes on scene 1: It may be difficult to convince Alec Baldwin to play himself as a psychotic rapist. If this proves impossible then one of the other Baldwin brothers (Billy or Stephen) will have to suffice. Also, while ‘Sail Away’ may seem inappropriate for the rape sequence, it has to be included as it hints at a later plot twist.
Scene 2
Interior. Daytime. Evan and Dr.Miravago are at the Advanced Rectal Repair Clinic of North Munster.
Doctor: Wow Evan. Your recovery is taking longer than we expected. Alec Baldwin really did a number on your arse.
Evan: Yes I know. It is very painful.
Doctor: Well, I would prescribe a lot of rest and relaxation. Where do you like to unwind?
Evan: Oh you know, the wine bar, the haberdashery, the onion supply depot, usual stuff.
Doctor: Yes well, here comes Jason. Perhaps he can help you unwind?
Enter Jason, a man of modest sensibilities and noble bearing
Jason: Hello all.
Doctor: Ah hello Jason. I was just trying to think of a way for Evan to unwind after being sexually assaulted by Alec Baldwin
Jason: Yes, I know. I was walking by the door and heard you say that Evan should unwind. Perhaps we should go to my Gentleman’s Club?
Evan: Yes, a splendid idea. Goodbye doctor.
Doctor: Farewell.
Exit Jason and Evan.
Doctor M returns to his desk and drinks a latté for ten to fifteen minutes. He then stares intently at the camera.
Doctor: I HAVE A PHD IN ADVANCED RECTAL REPAIR!
END SCENE
Writer’s Note: Doctor must have moustache
Scene 3: Interlude
Various clips of Manchester United’s 1994 premiership season to the music of ‘Hungry Like the Wolf’ by Duran Duran.
END SCENE
Scene 4
Interior. Night. The Gentleman’s Club. Jason and Evan take their seats by the roaring fire.
Evan: Ah, back to normal. Now, what shall we have?
Jason: Perhaps some champagne?
Evan: Good idea! The 1973 Chateau Matt Damon?
Jason: Spiffing! Jeeves, the Matt Damon 73 please.
Champagne is brought to the table. Montage of Evan and Jason laughing and frolicking. The clock shows 2am.
Evan: Ah. Excellent shenanigans. Perhaps we should retire.
Jason: Yes. Pay the bill would you?
Evan: What? Shouldn’t we split it?
Jason: Well....it was my idea to come here...
Evan: So?
Jason: So you should pay 7,000 euro for the champagne and truffels we just consumed?
Evan becomes furious and leaps to his feet
Evan: I thought you were a dashing man about town Jason, but you are little better than a cad. Fisticuffs at dawn!
Jason: If you insist....
END SCENE
gay
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