Scenes 17 and 18

Scene 17

Mayfield Garda Station. Detective Fellatio Interlude, feisty female super-sleuth, is hard at work investigating the rape of one Evan Hennessy. She types on a computer. Enter her partner, Vulgate Milfield.

Vulgate: What's the good word Fellatio?
Fellatio: I'm investigating the Evan Hennessy rape case.
Vulgate: Oh?
Fellatio: Yes, it's quite a conondrum. Even claims it was Alec Baldwin but we need another witness to secure the case.
Vulgate: So, why are you here on the computer?
Fellatio: Are you familiar with facebook?
Vulgate: Yes.
Fellatio: Are you familiar with Queefu Nell?
Vulgate: No.
Fellatio: Queefu Nell is a facebook user who is legendary for the sheer quantity of status update that she produces.
Vulgate: How many status updates could she possibly produce?

Fellatio pulls out a massive hardback tome that she can barely lift.

Fellatio: This is the complete St. James bible, old and new testaments, plus apocrypha and several theological essays...large print edition.
Vulgate: Ok...

Fellatio pulls out an even larger book, the size of a large labrador
Fellatio: This is part 1 of the subject index for her status updates, from 'Aardvarks' to 'Bumblebees'
Vulgate: Ah, I see. Well, what's this got to do with the case?
Fellatio: Well, you know the way enough monkeys on enough typewriters would eventually write King Lear?
Vulgate: Yeah
Fellatio: Well, between the 5th and 18th of July she actually did write King Lear by accident. What I'm hoping is that there is such a massive quantity of information on her status updates that, by the law of averages, some of it will help our case.
Vulgate: Well what are you waiting for? Qwanza? You go girl!!!!!

Writer's note: Holla!

Fellatio searches Evan Hennessy, cross-referencing with Baldwin and assault.

Fellatio: Here we go, her facebook updates from the night of the assault:

5pm: Am sad :(
5.02pm: Am super-thrilled :)
5.03pm: Am nostalgic for the days of yore........
5.05pm: Only joking they sucked! But still, a little bit anxious
5.10pm: Had bowel movement (8 people like this)

Fellatio: Hmm, better scroll down a bit...

7pm: I fucking HATE butter (2 people like this)
7.25pm: Had bowel movement
8pm: The Wire is better than the Shield and most of human civilisation (567 people are aware that this is true)
8.45pm: OMFG. Just saw a nude Alec Baldwin running after a fair-haired man with the physique of a small child or an upright grehound. Lads, what is going on? :)

Fellatio: AHA!

END SCENE

Writer's Notes: Yes, you should have been patient shouldn't you?

Scene 18

Interior. Night. The secret tunnel beneath the pirate hideout. Our three heroes advance towards their goal.

Squire: Sh! Did you hear that?
Fannyweather: No, but the air suddenly went cold.
Salmonella: *Sniff* There is a stench of evil...

Enter Von Knutstrom, the embodiment of darkness

Von Knutstrom: Hi lads, heard ye were rescuing Evan. I thought I could lend a hand.
Squire: You? Von Cuntstorm? Embark on a noble mission for good?
Von Knutstrom: It's pronounced Knutstrom and yes, I'd be delighted to.
Fannyweather: What? You? The same Cuntstorm who bathes in the blood of children because you believe it increases your sexual prowess?
Salmonella: The same Cuntstorm who once threw a puppy into a volcano just for the fun of it?
Von Knutstrom: What? No I didn't.
Squire: Just like you didn't surrender France to the Nazis?
Von Knutstrom: Er, that was several decades before I was born.
Fannyweather: A likely story, just like you didn't colonise the Congo?
Von Knutstrom: That was Belgium!
Salmonella: As considerable as your Satanic powers are, we cannot trust you to join us on our quest in case you commit an atrocity. Return from whence you came, Cuntstorm, destroyer of worlds!
Von Knutstrom: It's pronounced Knutstrom.
Squire: Whatever, get thee behind me Satan!
Von Knutstrom: Well I'll leave ye to it.

Exit Knutstrom

Squire: Now, let us continue on our noble quest with no more of these ludicrous interruptions.

END SCENE