Intermission

7 Steps to Save the Catholic Church

We interrupt this movie to discuss an important contemporary social issue. We all know the Catholic Church to be an organisation of jolly, affable old men wearing silly hats, a bit like Santa Claus and his elves. However, recently it turns out that, for decades, they’ve been molesting children and covering it up, much like Santa Claus’ evil twin brother Rodrigo Derrida and his crew of paedo-badgers. Understandably, this has had an impact on people, who now realise that some of the stuff they were saying, in between the bits about the magic carpenter and nudist garden thingy, may have not been strictly true. To many it seems that they may not be the jolly crew we once imagined them to be. How is the Catholic Church to save itself? This is not an easy question, but, following a papal request, I will outline a few ideas that have occurred to me and which could easily be implemented within a few months:

1. Moving Statues

In 1985, people travelled from all over the country to Ballinspittle Co.Cork to watch some moving statues of the Virgin Mary. This was in the days before Ipods and popular American sitcom ‘Friends’, so it was understandable that so many should travel down to experience this unique event. Of course, we know now this to be a classic case of ‘mass hysteria’ brought on by the stress of economic decline, emigration and constant repetition of the rosary, but it was good PR for the silly hat brigade. So, if people’s minds can move statues, why can we not simply use technology to do the same thing? Imagine: Finding every statue of the Virgin Mary in the country and attaching an electric motor and a micro-chip, before sending them off, zipping along the N25, circling the country as an attached speaker plays ‘Ave Maria’. Not only would this work wonders for the faithful, being reminded of the death of our Lord as his mammy whizzes by at 70 km/ per hour, but it would improve the moral standards of the nation. Would you mug someone, break the speed limit or have a cheeky joint, if there was a small chance of the Blessed Virgin hurtling over the horizon? Didn’t think so.

2. Hat Innovation

Most informed people will tell you that faith is the core of any religion. This is untrue. Silly hats are far more essential. How many religions do you know that DON’T involve silly hats? That’s right, zero. Indeed Catholicism’s historical success was based on particularly ostentatious headwear, which dwarfed the far more mundane headgear of Protestants and others. Therefore, what is needed is even more ludicrous items to be placed on the heads of clergymen. For example, priests should wear twelve-foot conical hats, covered with green polka dots, with a little bell attached to the top. I’d like to see Islam or Judaism top that. Also, constant research should be undertaken to push the limits of silly hat technology, with eccentric fashion gurus roped in to advise the Church hierarchy on what to wear. This would make for great television as every episode of ‘Off the Rails’ would include a five minute segment called ‘Off the Aisles’ where chirpy young presenters would dress the Bishop of Killaloe in the latest trends, draping his 20 foot tower-shaped hat with glitter and rosary beads to the delight of rapt audiences.

3. Sexier Priests

Johnny Depp or Cheryl Cole in a confession box. Enough said.

4. Re-decoration

As many of my 4 and a ½ regular readers will know, I myself have avoided mass for the past several years. This was not due to a crisis of faith, but a crisis of comfort. Simply put, there is no logical need for Church pews to be so ridiculously uncomfortable. Padding and a couple of hundred footstools and I may even have considered running for pope. Call DFS and I assure you that you will see the flocks returning en masse.

5. Deny Everything

The Nixon Defence. Simply refute any and every accusation as the evidence mounts. Insist that your flock must have faith that confessions, leaked letters and DNA evidence are all tools of the devil. If asked ‘Is it true that you swore victims of child abuse to silence?’, the correct response is: ‘No. Those children swore me to silence. They are working for the North Koreans and are trying to bring down society by taking down the church. Besides, I wasn’t even in Ireland that week. In fact I wasn’t on earth. I had spent a week in an alternative dimension where nothing was what is seemed. Then I bought a lolly’. If further probed, simply curl up into a ball until the journalist leaves.

6. Shift the Blame

We are lucky in Ireland that racism is not so prevalent as it is elsewhere. In Irish society racism is just not socially acceptable, except when directed at travellers or the English. Therefore, the Church publicity bureau should begin an immediate policy of shifting the blame for clerical child abuse onto itinerants or the crown, perhaps suggesting a conspiracy of both. For example, a headline in Alive! could read: ‘Queen Elizabeth Visits Halting Site to Spread Lies about Innocent Priests: The Scandal Uncovered’ or ‘Did Prince Charles Travel Back in Time to Abuse Children in Convincing Priest Costume?’. The opportunities for journalistic endeavour here are limitless.

7. Lasers

Can’t really think of how to implement these in an ecclesiastical context, but c’mon people, everyone loves Lasers.

Follow these simple steps and the nation will soon forget what a bunch of hypocritical, lying, child-abusing, preachy, shit-brained, arrogant tit-a-ma-boobs the clergy are.