Scene 13

Scene 13

Interior. Night. The Post-Daisy Ball. Many are milling round the punch-bowl. Others are quietly mingling. The rest stare in amazement at Bobby Brisco, the break-dancing cardinal, as he struts his stuff on the dancefloor. Enter Squire Moore and Evan. Squire Moore is carrying a blackboard under his arm.

Squire Moore: Lotta poontang here tonight.
Evan: Er, yes I suppose
Squire Moore: Fancy some...(raises eyebrows mischievously)...fun and games?
Evan: What do you mean?
Squire Moore places the blackboard on the floor, pulls out a piece of chalk and draws two columns on the blackboard. One is headed 'Evan', the other 'Squire'
Squire Moore: For each fine young thing we canoodle with, we get a point
Evan: I don't really want to. I'm still reeling from losing Handbag. Also, since I was raped by Alec Baldwin, the thought of being physically intimate with anyone fills me with dread and revulsion.
Squire Moore: Sounds like fightin' talk to me! Away I go!
Squire Moore sets off on his rounds, a smile on his face and a lump in his trousers. Evan rolls his eyes and notices his old associate, Salmonella O'Sullivan
Evan: Ah Salmonella, how goes it?
Salmonella: Evan old boy! So good to see you. Terrible to hear about this Alec Baldwin business. How are you holding up?
Evan: I'm alright I guess.
Salmonella: Splendid, splendid. Surprised by this year's winner?
Evan: Yes, the first transvestite Daisy of Dungarvan I believe.
Suddenly, both are interrupted by the return of Squire Moore. Moore wipes the lipstick off his face and draws '24' under his name on the blackboard.
Squire Moore: Falling behind I see Evan?
Evan: I'm not participating in this weird competition. Please stop.
Moore: What's that? You don't think I can make it to 40 in the next fifteen minutes? Well, we'll see about that!
Cue music: The Vinyls - I Touch Myself.
Montage of Squire Moore mauling onto various women
Evan: I must apologise for my friend. He appears to have the jockstrap jitters.
Salmonella: Evidently.
Suddenly there is a loud rumbling outside. Evan and Salmonella look around. Squire Moore, like Alexander the great dining at Persepolis, takes a break from his conquests to cower behind a chair. The noise grows louder and louder. Suddenly, a fire engine, two ford fiestas and a bicycle plough through the wall, circle around the room and pull up. All the vehicles bear jolly rogers.
Salmonella: Oh no!
Evan: What is it? Who are they!?
Salmonella: I'd know that flag anywhere! This is the dread fleet of Captain Hodgers and his crew of urban pirates!
Suddenly the door of the fire engine opens and a skinny, effete pirate emerges. On his left shoulder stands a tall bearded man, dressed in a colourful ensemble.
Captain Hodgers: Yarr! Listen up mateys. Things about to get interesting!

End Scene

Writers Notes:

I realise that I have introduced yet another character and gone off on another tangent without any hint of real plot development, but if Lost can get away with it then so can I.