Captain Hodgers circles the room
Captain: Yarg! Where be Evan methinks?
The crowd parts, revealing Evan
The captain's parrot, in reality a thirty-five year old accountant from Greenwich, points at our protagonist
Parrot: That's him there!
Captain: Yarg! So 'tis. Come with us Evan!
Evan: No! Never! I shall fight you til my bones are ground to dust! I cannot be brushed aside in the manner that Squire Moore brushes aside his various illegitimate children! I shall screw my courage to the sticking-place and do glorious battle! En garde!
Evan pulls a sabre from his trousers and there is a fight scene. It is very entertaining. The audience are thrilled. Evan lies semi-conscious on the floor
Captain Hodgers: Yarg! What a wonderful fight, complete with lasers and explosions. However, you are defeated and I shall kidnap you now!
Squire Moore: You'll have to get through me first!
Captain Hodgers gets through Squire Moore first.
Weakened by venereal disease, Moore collapses onto the floor. Captain Hodgers places Evan in a paper bag and he and his crew flee the scene.
Squire Moore: Shittywankbullocks!
Squire passes out
End Scene 13
Scene 14
Interior. Night-time. Griswell Food Emporium. Lord Bourbon Fannyweather and his mysterious fiancé, known only as 'Herself', are hard at work stocktaking. Lord Fannyweather's eyes are wattery with the softer emotions of the human heart, feelings which led him to give up the hallowed throne of Lichtenstein in order to marry an ordinary fishmonger's daughter.
Lord Fannyweather: How fair these air-born shapes! and yet I feel Most vain all hope but love; and thou art far, Herself! who, when my being overflowed, Wert like a golden chalice to bright wine Which else had sunk into the thirsty dust. All things are still. Alas! how heavily This quiet morning weighs upon my heart
Herself: Uhm. I'm just over here by the beans
Fannyweather: Ah right. How foolish of me. How feelsth thou mine sweet?
Herself: Grand. You?
Fannyweather: I feel that Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark
Herself: That's nice. Where did you put the relish?
Fannyweather: Top Shelf. Oh look, here comes Squire Moore and Salmonella O'Sullivan
Enter Squire and Salmonella. Squire is panting and is carrying a recently purchased stockpile of weapons
Lord Fannyweather: Ah Salmonella! Squire! How pleasant to see you!
Squire Moore: As you can see from my big bag of crossbows and revolvers this is not a social call Lord Fannyweather
Fannyweather: I see. What's the trouble?
Squire: Evan, our good friend who once helped you with that bat infestation in your attic, has beenn captured by Captain Hodgers and his urban pirates. We need to find them and rescue him as Evan has still not recovered from being graphically raped in the bum by Alec Baldwin. A terrible experience like pirate torture could impede his emotional and spiritual recovery even further as, to add to his troubles, his stalwart companion handbag has left him alone in this world. For this reason, you need to join me and Salmonella here on a daring raid on the pirate H.Q before the situation deteriorates further.
Fannyweather: I understand completely. I'll join you as soon as I've finished my shift.
Squire:.......How long will that be?
Fannyweather: An hour or two
Squire: Ok....but then it's straight to the rescue.
Fannyweather: Oh my, no! After my shift, me and herself are having some cake.
Squire: Can't that wait?
Fannyweather: If your soul was filled with tender passion and not the spirit of ceaseless sexual conquest, you would understand that the cake must be eaten.
Squire (in loud, angry capital letters): WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR CAKE!
Enter Marie Antoinette
Marie: Go on. Let them eat cake.
Squire: Fine. But as soon as they've finished, we mount our daring rescue
Fannyweather: Grand job.
End Scene 14
Writers Note:
And they said I couldn't write romance!
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